|“|| I’m three thousand years old, but I have hunted twice as many fruit flavors as that. I am anti-everything – except for the occasional chain restaurant. But what am I most anti? Being found by one of you. |
— Xavier Xander Xenos, in a message to his fans.
Xavier Xander Xenos (born, Dawn of Time), is the last known renegade fruit flavor hunter of our time.
As a hunter of antioxidants, Xavier Xander Xenos is best known for being anti-everything. There isn’t a single thing he is for. He is even anti the idea of being anti. He is best friends with his enemies because he is anti-friendship, but then he is also anti-contradiction so he stays friends anyway. He hunts mostly things flavored with açai, blueberries and pomegranates for their anti-blandness and anti-badness and anti-anti-anti-anti-well-ordinariness. In addition to his fame as a fruit-flavor hunter, he is the only known person to know the actual pronunciation of the word "açai", a word he invented.
- ↑ exceptions are made only for fast-casual dining.
The first known sighting of Xavier Xander Xenos occurred during what conspirators call the The Bottomless App Mishap of 1998. After a successful day of blueberry hunting, Xenos was caught quite literally red-handed (due to the blueberries) indulging in an appetizer special at a diner in Tempe, AZ. Chaos ensued, as Xenos was swarmed by diner patrons begging for photos and autographs. Somehow, in all the commotion, Xenos slipped away without a trace. He hasn’t been seen since.
Based on that encounter, and several others over the centuries, here is what we know:
- Xenos has been most often seen in a bowler hat, dark sunglasses, a trench coat.
- He has been alive for thousands of years.
- He is never seen without a vitaminwater xxx or an air of mystery.
- Most sightings have been in the southwestern region of the continental U.S.
- Like most things, Xavier is anti-technology, thereby impossible to track.
Xenos and fast-casual dining
The most widely-confirmed fact about Xenos is his penchant for a fast-casual eateries. He prefers to dine only at chain restaurants, and has been known to lurk in the shadows, deep in a corner booth. Although he is anti-dining out, he is also anti-denying oneself the pleasure of an appetizer sampler. Amateur Xenos enthusiasts should start by setting up shop at a shopping mall in Tulsa.
How to approach
In the rare event that you come in contact with Xavier Xander Xenos, you must be prepared. Here are a few tips in the event of an encounter:
- Do not shake his hand under any circumstances.
- Do not assume he is a magician. It goes without saying that he is anti-street performance.
- Do try to gather evidence (photo, a receipt, DNA sample, etc.)
- If you are his server at one of his preferred fast-casual establishments, do not offer him dessert. He will do something drastic.